Links
Archives
This is me. The me that only a select few know without having to have a link or URL. If you are afraid of what I may say or feel then you can go and never come back. I will not curb my honesty...
Thursday, April 08, 2004
ABANDON SHIP!
I'm going to kill this blog in exchange for a blurty...the new site link is http://www.blurty.com/users/damienmagnus/
so change all your links and other stuff because this entry is going to be up for a very long time
so change all your links and other stuff because this entry is going to be up for a very long time
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
SHE'S BACK!
ALIANA IS BACK IN TOWN! *end entry*
alright I lied. I'm never going to have an entry that short. However my princess Goop is back in town *waves around flags and has a mini party that ends two seconds later*. Nothing really else to report. Spring break is going well. I've been working on my house with my dad(who has 2 weeks off from work) and I've discovered that he is a lot more of an intellectual than he lets the world know...just working with him I've picked up all kinds of physics lessons and the such. ok I think this entry is up to par with length so I'm gonna stop here.
COMMENTS ARE GOOD FOR THE SOUL!(mele gratse for the comments from last entry!)
alright I lied. I'm never going to have an entry that short. However my princess Goop is back in town *waves around flags and has a mini party that ends two seconds later*. Nothing really else to report. Spring break is going well. I've been working on my house with my dad(who has 2 weeks off from work) and I've discovered that he is a lot more of an intellectual than he lets the world know...just working with him I've picked up all kinds of physics lessons and the such. ok I think this entry is up to par with length so I'm gonna stop here.
COMMENTS ARE GOOD FOR THE SOUL!(mele gratse for the comments from last entry!)
Sunday, April 04, 2004
red lines and pearl background
I haven't updated in forever have I? ALRIGHTY! at the demand of Anna the blog nazi I've 'decided' to blog. Nothing much happened for the rest of the week I don't think...Ana left for Georgia with the chorus on friday so I haven't really had a chance to do anything wth her *sad puppy face* but yesterday was still sooooo cooool!
one word...RENFAIRE!(supposed to be two I know) We walked around and saw weapons(I would've bought some but the peoples were all "ARG YOU MUST BE THIS TALL or 18") There were loads of cools clothes and costumes there. I wanted to get chainmail and a tunic but the green paper was lacking. I was wayyyyy too much of a flirt all day I think...this lady was walking around as the queen and she had a whole party with her of guards and the royal family...I stopped one of her ladies and was talking with them until she realized she didn't see where the queen had gone (oops 0:-). We ate foods and stoof...but the very bestest part of the day was that...well...ya see...umm...*explodes* FLOOFY WAS THERE!...with her best friend Kayla(sp) who was soooo wicked awesome...there's no one like those two I'm gonna have to kidnap them when I get my lisence. We wandered around for awhile and had many group hugs and then I got a gigantic strawberry drink that had a HUGE strawberry in it and whipped cream...it took awhile to make so the group had congrigated away from me and when I came back all the girls got a lick of cream *again with the angel face* We managed to plan to go bowling at 7 after the faire and floof/kayla managed to come too!...so all the people that didn't come to the faire got to come to see floof at the bolwing action... I also discovered that I kick ass at air hockey.......I could try to describe all the stuff we did but it'd be too hard...just know that we had an absolutly wonderful time being crazy in every way (including sexually?...maybe?)...
...and now that part that you know had to be connected to all this good stuff...my depressing lesson learned from all this.......I hate being alone...yep...that's it...ok well theres more to it than that...I got home and I realized I didn't want that night to be over...seriously...I didn't want to move from those beautiful people...people I can glomp...people that randomly steal my wallet but I can trust to not take anything(cept maybe a hottopic card katie!)...people I can just randomly pull into a tight hug and rock back and forth to the unsung melody that rings in our souls...it's that song that brought us together and holds us there but I can't hold onto that phantom sound and as it fades, so do the people, and so does my happiness...when I got home last night I didn't go inside for a half hour and then I finally went to my room, stripped, and crawled into bed...I didn't sleep till 3ish...why? because I was alone.....whoever made that saying "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." should've been shot immeadiatly after saying that...try having the greatest feeling in the world and then having it taken away...see how easy it is to fall back into your old world...IT ISN'T!...I eventually curled up into a ball and just wished for someone to hold me...I just can't stand being given almost every person I love and then an hour later be alone...it hurts and so I don't like being alone...
...Shakespeare has a quote that mentions love being the true trickster and there is no evil but love...which is almost true...love is what creates this wonderful feeling and then takes it away...we blame something else but it is our love for each other that makes us feel lonely...
I HOPE THIS ENTRY PROVOKED SOME KIND OF COMMENTS...HINT HINT!
one word...RENFAIRE!(supposed to be two I know) We walked around and saw weapons(I would've bought some but the peoples were all "ARG YOU MUST BE THIS TALL or 18") There were loads of cools clothes and costumes there. I wanted to get chainmail and a tunic but the green paper was lacking. I was wayyyyy too much of a flirt all day I think...this lady was walking around as the queen and she had a whole party with her of guards and the royal family...I stopped one of her ladies and was talking with them until she realized she didn't see where the queen had gone (oops 0:-). We ate foods and stoof...but the very bestest part of the day was that...well...ya see...umm...*explodes* FLOOFY WAS THERE!...with her best friend Kayla(sp) who was soooo wicked awesome...there's no one like those two I'm gonna have to kidnap them when I get my lisence. We wandered around for awhile and had many group hugs and then I got a gigantic strawberry drink that had a HUGE strawberry in it and whipped cream...it took awhile to make so the group had congrigated away from me and when I came back all the girls got a lick of cream *again with the angel face* We managed to plan to go bowling at 7 after the faire and floof/kayla managed to come too!...so all the people that didn't come to the faire got to come to see floof at the bolwing action... I also discovered that I kick ass at air hockey.......I could try to describe all the stuff we did but it'd be too hard...just know that we had an absolutly wonderful time being crazy in every way (including sexually?...maybe?)...
...and now that part that you know had to be connected to all this good stuff...my depressing lesson learned from all this.......I hate being alone...yep...that's it...ok well theres more to it than that...I got home and I realized I didn't want that night to be over...seriously...I didn't want to move from those beautiful people...people I can glomp...people that randomly steal my wallet but I can trust to not take anything(cept maybe a hottopic card katie!)...people I can just randomly pull into a tight hug and rock back and forth to the unsung melody that rings in our souls...it's that song that brought us together and holds us there but I can't hold onto that phantom sound and as it fades, so do the people, and so does my happiness...when I got home last night I didn't go inside for a half hour and then I finally went to my room, stripped, and crawled into bed...I didn't sleep till 3ish...why? because I was alone.....whoever made that saying "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." should've been shot immeadiatly after saying that...try having the greatest feeling in the world and then having it taken away...see how easy it is to fall back into your old world...IT ISN'T!...I eventually curled up into a ball and just wished for someone to hold me...I just can't stand being given almost every person I love and then an hour later be alone...it hurts and so I don't like being alone...
...Shakespeare has a quote that mentions love being the true trickster and there is no evil but love...which is almost true...love is what creates this wonderful feeling and then takes it away...we blame something else but it is our love for each other that makes us feel lonely...
I HOPE THIS ENTRY PROVOKED SOME KIND OF COMMENTS...HINT HINT!
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
I'm sorry
I really shouldn't have to apoligize. This IS my blog but I feel as though my last entry(which I will not delete so I can go back to it for a reminder on later dates) needs some kind of apoligy attached to it. So yeah...forgive me if I've wronged you somehow through that entry...it's because of the dman mood swings I've been having lately. I wanna take a test to see if I'm bipolar but I'm told that it's just a written test and there is no physical way to monitor something like that...plus I don't take pills so even if I am bipolar there is nothing I'd do about it. I'm going to dismiss that last entry as a bad day followed by a very interesting day. Today was a boring day of just recovering from yesterday. Nothing really happened and I'm thinking I'm ok now...this religion thing has yet to be resolved and no one seems to be able to offer me a solution that I like yet so...let the problem remain...I don't really care...I've got other people to take care of!
~Definitly NOT Pat~
~Definitly NOT Pat~
Monday, March 29, 2004
*sighs*
Damn I'm such a hypocrite!I've had entire entries dedicated to ending the use of emotional masks and yet I continue to partially use mine. Today was Ana's birthday and it started off in the worst way any day for me starts...with nightmares...I told everyone I didn't sleep last night but thats not true...I slept for a bit...woke up...and never went back to sleep...it was the worst its been since elementary school...I almost lost it when I woke up...it took everything I had to not scream when I finally came back to this world. I guess my mind felt that yesterday wasn't bad enough for me and decided to bring back the things I hate most of my life...yeah that must've been it...let me start off with a summary of why yesterday sucked...
...to start off the day I slept in...that was nice...I got to wake up around 9 and then I had some french toast for breakfast and right after that...IIIIIIIIIIIIIII got to work on homeworks while doing chores while my mom yelled at me to set up my new computer in two different places at once(she couldn't decide) and while I was doing this she rushes me to clean up after it and get ready for confirmation class with mom, Kelly, cousin Anthony, cousin Sam...that class gives me an idea of why I'm atheist. I don't even take it seriously anymore. My mom and kelly got pissed at me in a hurry and soon they had decided that I'm "not ready for this" and literally kicked me out of the church...I was fine with it and ran off to godspell...the only problem...Kelly is still mad at me...not really mad but "disappointed"...I don't believe in their faith which they have decided would be a good idea to shove down my throat and they're disappointed that I think its shitty? but its Kelly...I love Kelly and when she's pissed at me about anything...even if I'm not totally at fault, I feel like I'm this horrible monster for it...
...I went to godspell and tried to forget things but then as soon as i got home my dad and mom jumped on my case about how, even though I was let go today, I STILL have to go to class...great way to toy with your unbalanced son! ((right around now I re-read the entry and realized that Katie would die just from all the jumps from poor grammar to no grammar)) So I was talking with Ana on the phone...we have such a confusing relationship that it makes me dizzy trying to understand. I was trying to be happy but I was too upset and next thing I know she's been told to get off the phone........I was silently begging her not to go but of course she did. I tried to get to bed right after that and 'dream away the world' and I did...I forgot all about confirmation and computers and instead I had people dying and love fading...I woke up at 3:15-3:30 ish...I dunno exactly when because I woke up and couldn't stop the wasted tears(one of my cardinal crimes) for a while before I could finally think...Then I didn't want to get back to sleep and decided to walk to Ana's house...
...it was her birthday today...I walked the distance between our houses to give her the ring I got her before she even got to school...I managed to make it there on time as well as think about a lot of stuff...by the time I got to her I was hyper and 'happy'. We went through the school day which was uneventful about pretty good as far as my school days go.
...later today I went out to dinner with the Worley's and Jenwhit! That was pretty fun but it really helped me to realize how much I don't fit in Ana's world but I'm not talking about that right now...I just wanna get this whole religion thing straight...I'm atheist...I've got my reasons...Leave me alone about it!...I dunno why I bothered to put that...you guys don't bug me about it...it's my family...I dunno whats wroung with me right now...I'm just gonna disappear for a little while...spend a little time alone at lunch and things like that...i think I'm just gonna fade out for a bit to let everyone see some things clearly...I make no sense right?...good...thats how I'm feeling...
...Ana makes me feel better...like I could melt into her touch and it's all better...she deserves all teh sweet things i did today and more...You're wonderful Principaca
~Pat~
...to start off the day I slept in...that was nice...I got to wake up around 9 and then I had some french toast for breakfast and right after that...IIIIIIIIIIIIIII got to work on homeworks while doing chores while my mom yelled at me to set up my new computer in two different places at once(she couldn't decide) and while I was doing this she rushes me to clean up after it and get ready for confirmation class with mom, Kelly, cousin Anthony, cousin Sam...that class gives me an idea of why I'm atheist. I don't even take it seriously anymore. My mom and kelly got pissed at me in a hurry and soon they had decided that I'm "not ready for this" and literally kicked me out of the church...I was fine with it and ran off to godspell...the only problem...Kelly is still mad at me...not really mad but "disappointed"...I don't believe in their faith which they have decided would be a good idea to shove down my throat and they're disappointed that I think its shitty? but its Kelly...I love Kelly and when she's pissed at me about anything...even if I'm not totally at fault, I feel like I'm this horrible monster for it...
...I went to godspell and tried to forget things but then as soon as i got home my dad and mom jumped on my case about how, even though I was let go today, I STILL have to go to class...great way to toy with your unbalanced son! ((right around now I re-read the entry and realized that Katie would die just from all the jumps from poor grammar to no grammar)) So I was talking with Ana on the phone...we have such a confusing relationship that it makes me dizzy trying to understand. I was trying to be happy but I was too upset and next thing I know she's been told to get off the phone........I was silently begging her not to go but of course she did. I tried to get to bed right after that and 'dream away the world' and I did...I forgot all about confirmation and computers and instead I had people dying and love fading...I woke up at 3:15-3:30 ish...I dunno exactly when because I woke up and couldn't stop the wasted tears(one of my cardinal crimes) for a while before I could finally think...Then I didn't want to get back to sleep and decided to walk to Ana's house...
...it was her birthday today...I walked the distance between our houses to give her the ring I got her before she even got to school...I managed to make it there on time as well as think about a lot of stuff...by the time I got to her I was hyper and 'happy'. We went through the school day which was uneventful about pretty good as far as my school days go.
...later today I went out to dinner with the Worley's and Jenwhit! That was pretty fun but it really helped me to realize how much I don't fit in Ana's world but I'm not talking about that right now...I just wanna get this whole religion thing straight...I'm atheist...I've got my reasons...Leave me alone about it!...I dunno why I bothered to put that...you guys don't bug me about it...it's my family...I dunno whats wroung with me right now...I'm just gonna disappear for a little while...spend a little time alone at lunch and things like that...i think I'm just gonna fade out for a bit to let everyone see some things clearly...I make no sense right?...good...thats how I'm feeling...
...Ana makes me feel better...like I could melt into her touch and it's all better...she deserves all teh sweet things i did today and more...You're wonderful Principaca
~Pat~
Thursday, March 25, 2004
If marc gave a rat's ass about my blog he'd have warned the hell outta me by now. We got report cards today...strangely enough I'm discontent with my grades. I have a 3.6 GPA based on this (weighted) quarter. For most people this is impossible but since I'm in Paideia my grades are divided by 5 and not 4. I got an A in acting(of course) and in comp apps2, a B in Earth Science(if I did any homework I could've had an A easy!) and then I've got a CC in Paideia. I'm climbing up there. I've begun doing more work...alot more work. I decided that my schedule for next yera should be a little bit easier so I edited it. The new one goes like this
1st semester
honors paideia 11
honors chem
honors alg 2
latin2/creative writting/acting 2
2nd semester
honors paideia 11
honors physics
Pre calc
latin2/ creative writing/acting 2/ap bio(all of these are electives or backups and I dunno when they'll be used!)
I've been pondering why I'm so sad nowadays and I think I've figured out why...aside from the obvious of major Ana withdrawal...its because I'm superman!
*laughs* ok well that’s my analogy...I love helping people and I have this strange talent for it…it’s a wonderful feeling, being able to know that you are the only person that can make someone smile when they are in the worst situations life can throw at a teen. However I think I've recently discovered that I have no idea how to act around people when there is absolutly nothing wrong...everyone seems so happy and carefree that I'm not sure I belong around us anymore. I've been very negative lately but I think things are beginning to look up. Floofy is back online (MORE BETTERERER RPGS!) and best of all...ANA IS UNGROUNDED!
I've missed her so much...there's no way to even be mentally intimate at school...well physically...sure thats nice...but also equally not capable of happening at school and right now I'm in a long-term mode to feel people on a mental and emotional level. Its sucks not to be able to be alone at school...I hate it so much! *sighs* but now Ana is back and we can be together *beams* Her birthday is monday...I haven't a clue what to get her but I'm working on it...I'll have to go shopping saturday to pick up everything...
I've gottafigure out what I'm gonna do about my 4th period class...I can be having the greatest day of my life but an hour in there will ruin it...I'm gonna ponder that while I work out and then...and then sleep...I can sleep...and not only sleep...I can dream...real dreams...totally weird and random image kind of dreams *sighs happily* things are definitly good right now
1st semester
honors paideia 11
honors chem
honors alg 2
latin2/creative writting/acting 2
2nd semester
honors paideia 11
honors physics
Pre calc
latin2/ creative writing/acting 2/ap bio(all of these are electives or backups and I dunno when they'll be used!)
I've been pondering why I'm so sad nowadays and I think I've figured out why...aside from the obvious of major Ana withdrawal...its because I'm superman!
*laughs* ok well that’s my analogy...I love helping people and I have this strange talent for it…it’s a wonderful feeling, being able to know that you are the only person that can make someone smile when they are in the worst situations life can throw at a teen. However I think I've recently discovered that I have no idea how to act around people when there is absolutly nothing wrong...everyone seems so happy and carefree that I'm not sure I belong around us anymore. I've been very negative lately but I think things are beginning to look up. Floofy is back online (MORE BETTERERER RPGS!) and best of all...ANA IS UNGROUNDED!
I've missed her so much...there's no way to even be mentally intimate at school...well physically...sure thats nice...but also equally not capable of happening at school and right now I'm in a long-term mode to feel people on a mental and emotional level. Its sucks not to be able to be alone at school...I hate it so much! *sighs* but now Ana is back and we can be together *beams* Her birthday is monday...I haven't a clue what to get her but I'm working on it...I'll have to go shopping saturday to pick up everything...
I've gottafigure out what I'm gonna do about my 4th period class...I can be having the greatest day of my life but an hour in there will ruin it...I'm gonna ponder that while I work out and then...and then sleep...I can sleep...and not only sleep...I can dream...real dreams...totally weird and random image kind of dreams *sighs happily* things are definitly good right now
Friday, March 19, 2004
Anniversary
Today is me and Ana's(grammar problem there I know it!) 6-month anniversary!...I'm not really sure if that means a whoooooole lot to the world on a whole but it definitly means that Ana and I have become the second longest relationship I've ever been in! it really doesn't feel like it's been six months though. I still feel like its a fresh new feeling, every time I see her its something new and warm. Like when you just start going out with someone and you're just learning what they're like. I discover new things about her daily (today it was that I can't influence her into doing something against her will...wow that sounds like I tried to rape her huh?) No...I was gonna ask her to talk to Skyler...call me crazy but for some reason I felt compelled to talk to him yesterday. Turns out that when I don't have some reaaaaaaallllllyyyyy great and recent reason to want him dead we can be civil. Don't get me wrong I'm still an anti-Skyler nazi. But after all the stuff I've done to deal with the problems he's created...I haven't helped at all and my only left over option is to try and work with him and consider his feelings. This could be painful for both of us! but yea I was beginning to ask Ana to talk to him...and I couldn't get out the right words to ask and decided to drop it...I know she doesn't wanna and I'm not gonna ask her to do anything she doesn't wanna do(cept maybe study 0:-).
I've been spending every forth period reading old RPGs (I finish my projects like a week in advance and have no choice but to wait for the idiots to finish up and present them). I found an unfinished RP between Kiss(Vampi-chan's chara) and Damien(MEEEEEEE)...we've decided that it's time to finish it...the thing is...we started it when Damien was dating Sam but now he's been with Kat for months(kinda ironic with the timing of their break up and mine...I think my break up with Vampi WAS the reason that Damien and Sam broke up) So we'll be trying to continue that one and maybe start a few others...perhaps we could do one from the past when Jace and Damien worked together on something *evil grins* ohhhh that'd be fun!
*sighs* its friday and Ana is still grounded because her teacher decided to give her a test on wednesday and then take thursday and friday off so she has to wait till monday to get the score that WILL set her free! *growls and bares fangs at math teacher*
rachel gave up AIM for lent...Floofy is having computer troubles and had to get a whole new desktop(should be up an running 30/31 of this month)...and Vampi hates doing group RPGs...those three are the master RPGers and without them...there are no RPs *cries* soooooooo bored!
I've been spending every forth period reading old RPGs (I finish my projects like a week in advance and have no choice but to wait for the idiots to finish up and present them). I found an unfinished RP between Kiss(Vampi-chan's chara) and Damien(MEEEEEEE)...we've decided that it's time to finish it...the thing is...we started it when Damien was dating Sam but now he's been with Kat for months(kinda ironic with the timing of their break up and mine...I think my break up with Vampi WAS the reason that Damien and Sam broke up) So we'll be trying to continue that one and maybe start a few others...perhaps we could do one from the past when Jace and Damien worked together on something *evil grins* ohhhh that'd be fun!
*sighs* its friday and Ana is still grounded because her teacher decided to give her a test on wednesday and then take thursday and friday off so she has to wait till monday to get the score that WILL set her free! *growls and bares fangs at math teacher*
rachel gave up AIM for lent...Floofy is having computer troubles and had to get a whole new desktop(should be up an running 30/31 of this month)...and Vampi hates doing group RPGs...those three are the master RPGers and without them...there are no RPs *cries* soooooooo bored!
