The World 'o' Davey

well since yesterday was sooooooo wonderful *much sarcasim intended* I've decided to blog about the good stuff that happened...like the gathering at Jen's(which I needed more than I thought) We did all kinds of fun stuff...like snuggle-fest (which wasn't as big as usual but always fun)...I was cracking up because Steven was clinging to Jill...I was like "you don't like someone clinging to you Jill?...hmm I wonder where I heard something like that before?" twas fun to taunt...James brought DDR and we did that for awhile...then we broke out teh N64 and played some games from that...and eventually things just died out...we had all kinds of jokes and stuff throughout the whole thing but it was fairly uneventful...

I really missed Anna from the gathering and I wanted to be with Ana at lots of parts but I don't think I showed it...I dunno I'd have to ask the people that can see right through me all the time...but anyways...Anna was sick...poor poor Anna...she had to go to the ER because of her fever and the docs still don't know whats wrong with her *huggles the ill Anna because he loves her* Ana went shopping with her friends and was supposed to go dancing but something happened(lil confused and its none of my business so *shuts up*)

Before the gathering I hung out with Jill and SB ("I said the other thing the same day!. I mean I said the same thing the other day!" said the SB before Jill "stabbed" her)...we had fun being perverted and talking about nothing in particular...thats always fun...Jill...I notice that you are mean to your brother and family members for no reason sometimes...that might explain why they are mean to you for no reason?...but I'm not playing that kind of doctor right now...but I had fun making Jill's mom laugh in hopes of putting her in a better mood so she wouldn't get pissed at Jill about me...and then at Jen's house I was oddly nice to Jen's mom for no reason...I guess after I get stuck in suck-up mode it takes awhile to get out of it...

After the gathering...SB's dad was kind enough to give me a ride to my cousin's house which is in the same development as Jen...he just moved to the house so I don't know his number or house number...and we ended up at the wrong house *cracks up with embarrassment* so they drove me to MY house where I crashed...ya know what I ate yesterday?...a slice of pizza...thats about it...yea...I'm not going anorexic so calm down children...it just caught me off guard that I wasn't hungry all day...I'll probably end up scarfing down every crumb of food in my house today...*grumbles*...ooo00ooo guess what!?!...I GOT A BED!...yea that sounds pathetic doesn't it?...well ya see I've been sleeping on the couch for the past two years because I don't have a room of my own...but my new room is almost finished and so I got a bed! WOOOOO...ok and now I'm ravenous so I'm gonna go make some lunch...happiness is possible ;-)

well less than 3 hours after my last post I have another one that is all dark and sad like my blog was designed to be...right now I have an away message up that reads:

*flicks off "God"* things always go so well...and then they shatter...like fate or god is playing with me...teasing me into thinking that I'm happy and then taking it away...making me feel guilty for following instincts and doing what feels natural...why do I have to change for other people?...I never meant to hurt anyone...Can I truly love anyone?...or is all I'm here for is to cause the hurt and pain that I hate so much?

I blame myself for lots of things that I had nothing to do with...most of which I had no control over but I still felt guilty...questions have always been in my head...things like "Why did I survive?" or "Am I a good person?"...right now I'm feeling like I finally have something to blame myself for and no one can say that it isn't my fault...because it is...

One question is really gnawing at me..."Am I heartless?"...I feel pain...I hate hurt...and I love people...I love so many people...I'm beginning to think that it's too many people...I dedicated myself to Katie...I loved her...honestly...I'd lay awake and think about her and I'd dream about her when I slept...I loved her more than anything...everything about her...but towards the end when I looked at her I could see some kind of pain...I asked her whats wrong but she never wanted to talk about it...so I didn't press...but it became more and more obvious...and then it hurt both of us...the whole time she was hurt or worried about something...I never knew what it was...I still don't know...all I could do is give her hugs and kisses and worry...just worry about the infinite possibilities that would hurt her...hurt me...and from that communication gap came more and more until all we did was talk about different worlds...and the love faded...it didn't die...it is still very much so alive...but it is more faint...my love for others glows brighter and I thought it would be crueler to continue to live a lie...she felt something similar...so we broke up...it took us over a week to finally talk about it and even then we didn't do a very good job...while we were single I still kissed her at times...every time I did it hurt...I felt like I was the heartless beast that spat lies of love for lust...after the first week of being single I decided that it would be best if I didn't live a single life for very long...I was afraid I would become that guy that would pull out lines of "romantic crap that he always keeps up his sleeves that make girls crumble at his feet"...I don't want to be him...I have too much respect for women to want anything like that...so after I decided to find a girlfriend I realized that Aliana and myself were getting closer...and then I noticed that we had a chemistry...in my haste and fear I rushed into asking her out which I'll admit was probably a bad thing to do...but I like how it turned out for her and me...I feel like I made the right choice and everyday I learn more about her and I love every bit of it...

Thats the truth about what I felt/feel...thats what I thought and what I did...but now that you've read that...let me show you what all these emotions make me look like...While Katie and me were going out I was a good boyfriend for the most part...I comforted her when I saw her hurting and promised her my undying love whenever she needed reassurance...but then we break up suddenly...there is that small time period where she wants to give us another try...and I say "No"...now I look like the cruel being...all the things that were thought to be good things while we were dating are suddenly re-evaluated and dubbed evil...all the kisses for comfort are just me being a horny teen...all the promises of love are lies to make her lower her defenses for me to get into her pants(which never happened btw...not that it matters but even if she offered I wouldn't go that far...but Katie is no slut so I knew it wouldn't come up)...and after I tell her that I want to be single for awhile I run off with someone that I don't know well and start telling her the same things...all the "lies" about her beauty and my feelings for her...all those things...THE EXACT SAME THINGS!...

...but they aren't the same things...not that its anyones business but I haven't professed and undying love for Aliana...I may in the future...but I haven't yet...I care for her...I love her deeply...but as I do not know the future or nearly enough of the 47189347814897312847628 variables that can effect this...I don't want to lie...and I didn't lie to Katie...I still love her...thats why yesterday I was dying on the inside wondering what was wrong with her...but she still won't tell me anything...I know I look like a bad person in someones eyes...but I'm not like that creature in the paragraph above...I know a million and a half ways to complement girls...I know how to be sweet and caring...but its not an act...its genuine...I DO love...just in different ways...I want nothing more than to take away all of the pain I caused and make me feel it instead of all the people I've hurt...thats all I can say about this...maybe tomorrows entry will be a little happier...theres a gathering tonight so I'll just make tomorrows entry about that...yea...gatherings make me happy...don't they?





P.S. I cried real tears while I spent almost two hours writing this entry....... I hope those tears weren't wasted...

I'm going to pretend that there is nothing wrong for a minute...because...I just don't feel like being in a bad mood...there is too much good stuff around to ignore and feel stressed about things I have little of no control over...so lets recap yesterday...

...First off...school...its a bitch...throught and through it is an instituitionalized method of torture...and I love almost every minute of it!...Yep I'm teh kind of guy that giggles while he is on a stretcher...actually...just being a guy that giggles makes me pretty unique huh?...ok well my classes are constant fights for my sanity (sanity?...I have sanity?) well anyways I still enjoy it...I get to argue with adults that think they know better than me and see lots of a few select people *cough* Goop *cough cough*...I look forward to rehersal everyday as much as I complain about it...I love working on something that challenges me to think and act totally differently than I normally would...yesterday was no exception...

...I ordered some food from the techie food run(a junior or senior techie will drive down the street and get food for everyone that gives them money) and when I got my "change" back I got more money than I originally gave (I get paid for eating...what a life!)...We ran through the entire performace really quick and only had to stop a couple times because the light timing was off(not a horrible offence but still annoying to pour a bunch of emotion into a scene and then have to do it again because someone wasn't paying attention)...so I had mass amounts of fun standing on the stage making jokes with the other actors and making them get totally out of character...towards the end of rehersal SB must've been offstage but I didn't see her (SORRY FLUFF!)...

...After rehersal I had about 20 minutes to go home and get ready to go to a concert with Ana and Lena...I managed to get most everything that I needed to do done and left...the concert was...lets just call it...a waste of 5 dollars...the music wasn't much to our liking and some idiots started slam dancing(after I got knocked down I decided that it was time for us to get out of there)...so I borrowed a friend's phone and we got the Queen to come pick us up...we went back to the princesses house and watched most of the two towers and then I went home happy and drunk off of tiredness, a ringing that was STILL in my ears, and happiness...at least I think thats what happiness is...or what it does to me...I get tired at first...thats a side-effect of the melt factor...then I snuggle up with whoever is making me happy...and then I'll either go to sleep or be totally contented in just BEING...so after I'm happy I get very comfortable in the position I'm in and then I have to get up and leave(REALLY DIDN'T WANNA MOVE!)...and I feel almost drunk on life...its a good feeling...

...oh yea...one more thing...THE QUEEN IS MY OFFICIAL FAVORITE PARENTAL UNIT EVER!...SHE FIXED THE MAGICAL TRENCHCOAT!

I am still really happy...honest...I am...I just am beginning to see some bad things that are going to ruin my mood soon and since I don't know the details of the secretive ones I can tell the world everything I know!...

OK...well first the good...Aliana tis an angel(so thats what they look like...no wonder God doesn't like sharing them with mortals...but I got one! *sticks tongue out at sky*)...I'm battleing in my classes but holding true to my name as "good at what I do"...and the school play is almost over...I think I already said this but...after this I'm retiring from acting...so as that day gets closer i'm getting a lil less stressed

...now the bad...*sigh* Latin is starting to catch up with me again...I'm worried about some friends(guess that makes vacation time over huh?)...random things with seemingly no solution...there are some ways I'd be able to help but not without seriously compromising my current happiness...so I hate being helpless but I have no other choice if I don't want to hurt others...so I will be useless and try and be here for what I can...there isn't enough bad stuff going on in my world to stress me out so feel free to drop your stress off on me! ...

...and finally...the really really (really really...i'm talking makes quazzi moto look like brad pitt) ugly...my lil sister...she has some kind of infection or something...the doc says "growth" in her chest that may become cancerious...so they gave her some meds that will hopefully do something to make her well again...but she is showing signs of things that only me and Kelly would pick up on...she isn't all straight...in the head...so you have to know her really well to be able to predict her actions...but Kelly and me both are sensing some depressing vibes coming from her...and if she gets depressed she isn't going to know how to express it...and she will hurt herself if this keeps up...my house is a Masicist's playground...we have knives and swords all over the place(not to the untrained eye)...so as heartless as I am...I'm feeling some guilt...but its nothing that won't go away soon...

and the conclusion...somethings are coming that will hurt...I may lose some of this good feeling that I've just discovered...but I will not lose the people most important to me and I won't lose all of this new feeling...I'm hoping that this (busy) weekend will rebrighten my skies...I don't need anymore clouds coming from the east because I've got plenty on the west(think about it and it might make sense)...but I think I'm done now...much love for everyone!

WEEEEELLLLLLLLLL I'm back at school(after a great four day weekend) and things are allll looking up...my scool friends all seem pretty happy...I have Aliana (who has made me happier than I've been in months)...and all of my classes seem to be getting easier and easier by the day...

I don't have a whole lot to blog about right now since this blog was designed for things that are bad...but I'll rant about my few bad things and one really good thing...First the bad things...the play that I'm in that I've advertised in two entries already...its really sucking right now...I'm not motivated in the least to do my parts...but I try to do them anyways...and they feel like they suck...and then...Mrs. Winter says she thinks that we've improved...and I'm not sure if its that I don't know what shes looking for or if when I was good everyone else sucked so I covered me up...either way I need to try harder...

Next...I'm gonna have ALOT(but not insanely overwhelming) of schoolwork...enough to waste my time and stress me out...but nothing major major...

and now...*drum roll*...the greatest thing of my current life...my special someone...*spotlight on Goop* PRINCESS ALIANA! *glomps Ana* I love this girl!...I spend most of my classes thinking of ways to make her feel loved...I dunno...it just feels right...its so easy being with her...and i have the "official melt factor" too...this is the effect of being around someone that you have strong feelings toward...all your worries...all your cares..."melt" away...I know I sound like a hipocrit right now since I developed my whole "official melt factor" theory while I was dating Katie...thats why it just says you need to have strong feelings for the person...

...for Aliana and me...I don't want to mention the "L" word until I'm sure...it has only been four days afterall...but it all feels so right...so good...so...perfect...I hope things can stay like this for awhile...but the good news is...they look like they're still getting better...

Well as the title says...it is my favorite sisters birthday...she is my favorite sister because she is the only family member that I don't want to kill at least once a week...yeah...my family life isn't that great...but anyways lets start with the start of the day...

I wrote a 3 page essay on the meaning of life...I am pretty much pleased with the way it turned out but my teacher won't like it because I cut down religion a bunch and he is really into his faith...my mom yelled at me for a bit...I did some chores...then I made plans to go visit Jill...which I kinda messed up by walking to Stevens house...Jill showed up there eventually with Matt and the four of us worked on cleaning his 3rd story...we're trying to make it a party room...it'll b really cool when we finally get things done...oh yea...and matt...Hannie and I have NEVER had sex!

I hung out for a lil bit longer and then went home...where I had to get back to work on cleaning the house for the family to drop by for Kelly's birthday...I love my sister sooooo much!...but anyways...I can only take so much of a family gathering before I need alcohol to get away from them...which usually isn't a huge problem but since my older bro(who is 19) brought his new gf(who is 33! *cough* sick! *cough*)...I'm not allowed to drink...ya know...we can't trust her yet so don't wanna break any laws infront of her...shes nice but I don't like her...so her and my brother have at least one thing in common(hate my brother btw)...

For those of you that've never met my family...I hate most all of them except my dad and Kelly...the rest of them can curl up and die for all I care...so if my mom seems to not like you...thats a good sign...if my brother makes fun of you...then I love you forever...and if my lil sister straight up hates you...then I want to marry you...ok time for me to go...I gotta be a good (sober) boy with the rest of my happily arguing (and drunk) family...*mumbles*

WOOOOOOOO! right now I'm totally estatic! yesterday was a good day...I spent most of the day cleaning up after the "hurricane" and I enjoy doing some work so I don't feel like my day was a waste...so I happily took 30-75lb logs to the street as well as any loose branches or things that fell off of the trees...you would think that I'm saying this sarcstically but I'm a pretty messed up guy and I am serious...I love to work...

because yesterday was friday and school got cancelled due to the SPIRALING WINDS OF DEATH! that Isabel gave us I didn't get to go to rehersal at the school...however that didn't stop the cast from gathering at Lisa's (a really cool senior that is like the head techie) house...we went there from 12-2 and ran lines...well...we KINDA ran lines...we actually just said our lines in different ways than we should've...and Vince decided to rename his daughter (whos name was kelly and now it is belly)...and that was pretty much just a passtime for me...

The REAL fun of the day happened after dark...we finally planned to have a gathering at Steven's house...so I picked up the Goop *grins* and we went to Stevens...most of my favorite peoples were there...the dragon lady, sb, anna, jen, corey, jill, matt, me, the Goop, steven(of course), and zach...I think that was everyone...we watched part of the Patriot...and two good things came of it...we have a new quote "he's marinated in blood!"...and because the Goop doesn't like gore too much I got to hold her really close to me at battle scenes *beams* which brings me to my next thing...

*shouts from a rooftop before falling off against the dragon lady's orders* ALIANA AND I ARE GOING OUT!...*smiles* yesh...everything has fallen into place finally...jen and corey are a happy lil couple...and jill and matt will b hooking up eventually...and now me and ana are together...I likes this...it was well worth the pain earlier...i hope things just keep going up for awhile...everyone needs to recover from the past couple months...I am ready for at least one month of happiness before life starts kicking our ass again...so I'm going to enjoy being lucky enough to date the most beautiful girl at AHS...I love you Goop!

GRRRR....been wayyyy too long since I've blogged...I keep trying to but it seems that every time I get the chance 47618324789173481 people start talking to me and I can't focus on it...ok well its thursday now...yesh I get to explain a whole 4 days of my life to you now...not really...i can hardly remember what I ate for breakfast today so I'll just stick with the big stuff

...there is a bloody big hurricane that is currently on the coast of my good ol home...hence why I'm at home on a thursday school would be getting out pretty soon anyways...don't have school tomorrow either...I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet but I'm trying to get some work done and not doing a very good job of it...I've got three huge assignments that I havent started so I think I may want to get a-going

...I'm actually really happy right now...most of my friends have helped me with whatever it was that was wrong with me (especially the Goop and Dragon Lady *huge and bites for my friends* I love you!)...and other people seem to be getting in better moods too...Jen and Corey have started going out *the crowds of bachelors that wanted Jen get dumped into a pool of lava and all of Corey's suitors get sent to my room*...they make a great couple but I haven't actually had a chance to see either of them together yet...stupid lack of gathering tis bad for the soul...

Poor Goop has some problems going on that I don't know a whole lot about but I'm really looking forward to helping with *prods the Goop and offers assistance of anything at all*...but her and I have been having lots of fun in person and online lately...especially fun that involves:
a blanket
chocolate syrup
strawberry lip gloss
biting/licking of necks
Can you guess what it is?...I bet not! and apparently I give good hugs (according to the Goop) I guess you just need someone really good to hug to be able to hug well *glomps the Goop*

Last night was a MAJOR stress releiver for any person crazy enough to be able to follow..."What was it?" you ask?...IT WAS AN RPG OF COURSE!...most everyone got drunk and since most of us are subconscious actors we started feeling drunk to the point where I said some things I don't think I meant to say to some of the people that weren't in the RPG...you want an example?...ok how about this "Oh I'm ontop of you! [Goop]" yep...thats pretty much what I said I think...I dunno consult the Goop if ya wanna know what that was about...I kinda forgot...lets see what else...

That play that I'm in...its getting gooooooood...we finally are almost off book *does an irish jig* so now I can start feeling my character...I did a really good job yesterday with that crying scene and the Dragon Lady saw some of my work and she says she likes!...so there ya go everyone...ya gotta come to the show...Oct 2-4 at my schools auditorium...I'll cry if you don't come...not enough leverage?...ok how about I'LL TORTURE AND FLAY ANYONE WHO DOESN'T COME!..that better?...GOOD! and if you come on the 4th I think it is...you'll get to meet my favorite sister!...she tis my most favoritest family member EVER!...and shes sooooo cool...so you will have to meet her too...hmmm what else what else....

I'm trying to make plans for tomorrow since everyone seems too occupied today with the massive windstorm and all...they act like its a hurricane or something *chuckles* so tomorrow is the official "time-to-get-all-these-100-year-old-trees-off-my-roof-day" so I figure that I'll get all my friends together somewhere where we can avoid the manual labor...sound like a plan to you?...IM me with some ideas!...if you're reading this blog I hope you know my screen name...and I think thats all the major stuff for right now...byeeeeeeeeeee

OK lots to talk about and not a whole lot of it is TOTALLY depressing...shocking I know...lets see...after I blogged last I had to go work on a school project...we are making a parody of Oedipus Rex and we needed to tape it at my church/school thingy that I have semi-unlimited access to...and we were SUPPOSED to get in done in three hours max...guess how long it took us...3:15...nope...3:30...keep going...thats right four friggen hours to tape a 20 minute play!...how pathetic is that...the acting skills of most of my group sucks(can't really hold them accountable for anything more than their volume and where they stood on the stage...the two simplest things to do and most couldn't get it right) but we got it done...and for that...I am happy...my work is almost done and this thing gets presented on tuesday...

I talked alot with a very special person online lately and they have gotten me through alot of my semi-bad moods and been able to joke around with me after they got me happy...I love those statements that you can make that apply to a whole bunch of people but when one of those people reads it they feel like it only applies to them and they feel special...well for all of the people that it does apply to..."you are special"...I was talking to the Dragon Lady last night...we were talking about my weird feelings and stuff about how although I don't love some people as much as I used to, I still don't want to hurt them...she called it friendship and gave me a great long quote (which I unfortunatly destroyed *bangs head on desk shouting "STUPID! STUPID!"*) and I promised her I'd put it up here but since I can't do that I am going to just say that the Dragon Lady tis wise and I love her forever for all the help with the recent events...

Real quick side note...The Goop(Aliana or Boo or Ana or Moonbeam and I think there were 4791748901641046712.42 other names) has given me a new nickname!...I am Cassanova!...which directly translated means "new house" but she was referring to Cassanova the great womanizer...you gotta love how someone as screwed up as me can get a reputation as a pimp or womanizer and some jocks have never had a girlfriend...life is good! *laughs darkly*

Last night-ish me and most of the gang went out to the movies and saw Matchstick Men starring Nick Cage (I hate him in most fo his other movies but he did a great job in this one)...twas a good movie and I had a great time with my friends...Liz also brought her boyfriend...his name is Scott and he seems like a pretty nice guy...I think I made him a litle jealous because I kissed Liz on the cheeck right in front of him and I have the pimp wrap...I got a kick out of that because earlier that day Liz told me that he wasn't the jealous type *cracks up*

After the movie I saw some great and horrible things...first off I saw three groups of Whiggers with their pants so low that they have to walk with their hands on their crotch just to hold them up...I was ready to kill them after I stop laughing...and they had their hos (also white) with their hair done up in cornrows and the speech patterns that scream ignorance...after seeing three groups of people like that(all of which were 100% white) I see a black man drive by wearing a collared polo shirt listening to a calm and cool techno at a reasonable volume...I about died when I saw this contrast to stereotypes...

continuing on with last night...I drove Katie home...the drive almost killed me I think...I couldn't last long without her touch and I ended up kissing her...it was a brief kiss but it was still a kiss...after I did it I felt horrible...I felt like I was using her just to satisfy myself...like I'm some sick bastard that is willing to hurt someone that he used to love with all his heart just so he could have a few kisses...I hated that...when we came to her house I walked her to the door(I'm so weird...I'm a sick bastard that is polite enough to walk a gilr to the door...guess its habit or just nice...which is why I'm weird) and I asked her what we are...and neither of us know...but I think she wants to get back together...but I can't...not anymore...it would throw me over the edge to even begin to understand what that would do to me...and I just can't...

The whole time my dad was driving me home he asked me stuff about the movie that I answered with one word...I feel kinda bad ignoring him because he is a great dad and doesn't deserve my disrespect...when we got home (after what seemed like years) I got on the computer to see if the Goop was on because she has been really good at making me feel like I shouldn't do what I wanted to do last night...I'm not sure if that sentence makes sense but it does to me...I didn't do that bad thing that I wanted to do thanks to you, Goop...
...On top of everything...my great uncle died last night...I'm taking it better than most everyone else in my family...I've always dealt with death in a way that makes me seem like I'm dealing with it really well...I'm not sure if I do or not but I just want to deal with everything else right now and i'll do the "usual mourning" later...and yes I can say "usual mourning" and still have it said respectfully because I've seen more relatives and friends buried than most people ever will...*turns into a news broadcaster* and the topic on everyones mind is: how can a day that starts out so good turn out so bad? *end* yesterday really did start out really really good...The night before, the Goop told me to go to bed and have a good nights sleep...the result?...I go into a coma and get 13 hours of sleep...I wake up and take a shower...no one is home...*sigh of releif*...I spent most of my afternoon online and had some great chats with people...then I "organized" the gathering to the movies...it seems that everything pulled its 180 right after katie and I got in the car to leave the movies...it was all downhill from there...but ya know what?(GOD I SAY THAT ALOT!) I don't really care...I enjoyed yesterday more than most of the past couple days...I'm just really hoping that things start looking up...

I didn't sleep too well last night (wow...I wonder how many times I say that in a week...at least 14?) I started out with getting offline and waiting for everyone else to go to bed...then I went back upstairs which I have dubbed my official gym/meditation room...I worked out for awhile and after I felt like my abdomen was ready to implode and kill me I decided to sit in the darkest room on the cold concrete and think...

I thought about everything...EVERYTHING...all the good things...all the bad...I tried to...gah I can't think of the word...organize them by their importance...and then I took each of them and tried to decide what to do...I figured out what to do for most of them...especially my biggest problems...but now its time for me to do that stuff and worry about my friends...

All of my friends seem to have some kind of problems running through their lives that make me feel really selfish when all I can do is talk about how pathetic I am (and speaking of selfish...I said the word "I" at least 100 times by now)...its time for me to get better...I'm going to stop being weak soon...I'll be strong soon and I'll be able to protect all of you the way I am supposed to...I want to take all of your pains and make them my own...then I want to deal with them the ways I can...I will be strong enough to keep all of you safe...

wow...i'm a pretty screwed up guy huh...that last entry now that I re-read it is kinda scary...sorry if I scared anyone else...Today was a good day and I had oodles of fun...most of my classes went really well (aside from a 59 on my latin test *dies*) I understand most everything in my other classes and I'm having fun being smart in them...Being single is still a bitch though...I don't like having all these girls that I look at like sisters...I cant even begin to look at them like anything else...and the few that I can look at as girls that i might like?...they either read this blog(so there is no way that i'm putting their name up on it) or I don't deserve them...or both...but either way I have no one that I have lined up for my next girlfriend and I don't know what to do about it...on related news...Mrs. Winter managed to get me to cry yesterday...for those of u that don't know I am in a school play(shows at the AHS auditorium from oct 2-4 and ticket prices are $5) and Winter is teh director...there is one scene where my character is supposed to come home from school early because a kid got shot on teh playground...right infront of my character...I have to explain all this while being A) traumatized B)trying to hide my emotions C) trying to stay in a 12 year-old mindframe or D)all of the above...*jeopardy music plays* THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS D ALL OF THE ABOVE...so Mrs. Winter was trying to get me to see all these things and she wants my character to cry (I can't stage cry due to my lack of ability to cry for real) and so she tells me to think of something that can be equally traumatizing...FINALLY SOMETHING THAT I HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH!...So I picked one of many things I could've picked and while I was thinking about it she said things to me that helped bring the emotions to the surface and I was able to cry during the scene...I was almost happy that I was able to do that again...but after that I was so drained that i was hardly able to do anything else for the rest of the day...but I couldn't stop there...I had to redue the act after we finished blocking it (including my crying scene but she said I didn't have to do it again because she knows that it is hard to do twice so I just spoke my lines) and then I had to go home for 10 minutes before I had to go to Sara's to work on this damn Monty Python/Oedipus project...and now I have a few more responsibilities for that *falls over*...I finally get home at around 9 and have to do hw but I decide that I'd rather talk to my friends for the last hour that most of them are allowed to be online and then get to work...at around 11 I finally signed off(yes there is a 1 hour gap where I'm online and I didnt tell you what I was doing and its not important) So I go upstairs to work on my ceiling...yes my ceiling...I am gathering tons of AOL free trial disks and sticking them to my ceiling as decoration...in the past week I've gotten 175ish...I'm going to get about 700 before I start hanging them up...but taking them out of their individual containers took me a good couple hours considering I was doing it in perfect black(the room I work in has no windows and I didn't want to turn a light on) then I had to work on something else(again...not important) and that took me until about 6:00am where I had just enough time to clean up and get ready for school (showering fits in there somewhere too)...I just read Jen's blog and I am appreciated...she says that I am the only one that hugs her to comfort her...kinda...well not really...I don't want to be yelled at by anyone for misinterpretting it so I'm just going to say that she says that she likes my hugs alot...yesh...that makes me feel good and I dont think it will offend anyone...is that my goal now?...i dunno I guess not offending anyone would keep the fights to a minimum...and thats always a good thing although I'd love to get rid of all my excess agressions in a good brawl but I don't feel like getting in trouble...and I need to agree with another of Jen's comments...that I am surviving solely on hugs right now(for lack of kisses or being able to snuggle with "that special someone"...since there is no special someonefor me anymore) but I am totally loving each of my friends so much right now...I wanna thank all of you guys a bunch(especially Jen, Anna, the goop and the dragon lady...but there are a bunch more) and I wanna apoligize in advance if I'm a little impatient in the coming weeks...I can't really explain why but I may be a little bit more stressed than usual...Grr I really wanted this entry to be happy but it seems to have a very sad background mood...I am happy right now though...happier than i've been since last month I think...I was recently assigned a "meaning of life" essay...that is going to be so fun...I'm debating what I what my meaning to be...Maybe the importance of friends and love...or emotion...yea...maybe that...I can talk for days about how life isn't worth living unless u can have the good and bad emotions that go with it...I'm thinking thats what I'll do...something like "with friends that love each other...there will be more snuggle orgies"...or "with friends that love each other...you can overcome anything no matter how terrible it may seem." yea...thats good...I think I should start listening to my own philosophies huh?...well now that I'm feeling all "confusious says..." I think I'll go talk to my runts...today will b a good day...

*sings that song that he thinks is named "american pie" with the whiskey and rye thingy in it...u know what i'm talking about* AND I'M THINKING THAT THIS WILL BE THE DAY THAT I DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!...yes actually today was supposed to be the day that I die...you wanna know something that is really scary about me?...I was supposed to kill myself today...the thing is that I used to be heartless...I was bored with life so I wanted one more thrill before I left this world (I'm such a depressing guy ALL the time in this blog...i have no idea why) I bet you're wondering wha that thrill was huh?...love *gasps from the crowd* I wanted to find a girl...a girl that I could love with all my heart and give her that heart...

...well...I found her...and I was SUPPOSED to simply go out with her and overwhelm her with every bit of bottled up emotion that I had...so it wouldn't last very long and then she would break up with me and 7 days later (a very symbolic time for tons of reasons)...I would kill myself...well kids...I tried that plan out and discovered something...I didn't have emotion...not a thing...I could feel absolutly nothing...and yet I knew how to fake everything to an almost perfect extent that I could blend in somewhat...I blended in so well with some people in my life that I lost what I was...my original self was buried in the millions of masks that I made...so after I met this girl I had to discover emotions and change myself to what I actually wanted to be before I could do anything to my plan...I started that a year ago...in that time I've learned every end of the spectrum of emotion...I got friends through my changes and I formed a totally new me...I told one friend about my plans once throughout the whole year of my development...but her and I have drifted and she has either forgotten what I've told her...or doesn't care...

So now I have friends and emotions and I am a REAL person...I'm not a shadow anymore or a faint memory...I exist and people will remember me in some small region of their memories forever...This was one of the problems I've had to face recently...Katie and I broke up last wednesday actually...but I'm pretty close to wednesday right now...the blog clock is probably still screwed up so don't pay any attention to it...its REALLY 10:40 pm on 9-9-03...but back to what is happening right now...

Katie and I broke up(thats kinda echoing in my head so I might subconsciously repeat it a couple more times in this entry) and she was the last part of my plan (that sounds heartless doesn't it...kinda like I was using katie...I really hope no one interprets this like that...I was genuine everytime I told her I love her...thats why it took me most of freshman year to say it) so now its almost a week later and the plan says that it's time for me to go...but now the rules of this game have changed and I want to play this round through...I think...the world that I've always been told and shown as harsh and pitiless has shown me parts of it that I want to explore more of...Emotion is a doublesided gift...like the silver light of the moon for a werewolf...it has the power to bring out their true form of perfection and make them free of what hinders them...but it also makes the silver blades and bullets that destroy them...emotion is like this because it has moved me from my dark past and shown me happiness and love and friendship...it has made me look forward to being around people...but it has shown me some newer pains...things like missing the people I want to be around...feeling hurt or ashamed by mere words...and whats been worst of all is when you have to admit...that you were wrong to tell someone that you loved them...very few things have hurt me anywhere near as much as that...I still haven't told her directly...but simply thinking that...it hurts...and I don't think I can do it...not while I'm looking at her...I used to stare at her and long to touch her face and feel her lips against my own...but every time I see her now...all I can think about is how much I messed up...I couldn't love her genuinly enough to even last a full year...I couldn't find the emotion to overwhelm her...I couldn't even get the emotion to satisfy her...and whats my biggest failure was that I couldn't even follow my simple plan...

1.find girl
2.love girl
3.have her break up with you
4.end it...4 steps and I couldn't even do that right...
how much of a failure does that make me?

Contrary to what people may think of me based on my blog entries...I love to have fun and am often the life of a party as I tried to show tonight...I went out with Lena, Ryan, and the Goop...or Alianna...or Ana to most...we had sooooooo much fun at this ballroom dance thingy...there were alot of old people there but we still had a great time...the girls spent most every dance trying to get me or ryan to get the steps down...Lena is a great dancer and got a little bored with trying to teach us I think...so she went and danced with some of the professionals while Ana and I decided that some of the dances were too simple so we added more steps and twirls to them...we ate a whoooollllee bunch while we were there *feels very gluttonous(is that a word?* and simply had a great time telling jokes and haing fun...tonight was exactly what I needed to get out of my crappy moods I think...Ana and company...you have no idea how much I love you guys right now...thanx

Well to start this entry off I guess I'll pick up from where I left off...Katie and I did break up the very next day...it seemed to go really well...at the very beginning of the day we got as far away from anyone that we know as we could and i asked her what happened...she told me that her feelings for me kinda died *take out imaginary knife and stabs where his heart used to be* but I told her the same thng so I can't really say anything on how much that hurts without being a total jerk...after this was said we agreed on this being a mutual breakup and almost instantly I felt better...I hugged her and we went back to the way things used to be...I'm still torn by what I should be feeling because I know it was mutual and it will eventually work to my advantage but for some reason I'm hurt...its just bothering me to know all this stuff but not know what to do with it...on top of me being confused...I also know that Katie is moving on very quickly because she already has a crush *twists the imaginary knife in the imaginary heart*...let see what else...several of my friends are curious as to who i want to "hunt" next and several are trying to set me up with random friends...right now though i'm really unsure what to do...i've never NOT been able to kiss someone at least once a week...and I'm not sure what to do anymore...I've gone to two gatherings since the breakup and both times i've been scared out of my mind that i'll accidently kiss someone that I don't want to kiss or just totally snap...most of my friends probably think that is pretty weird but for me its ALWAYS been a part of my life since before I can remember I've had a gf or a random friend that I was on a kissing basis with...the latter is what I think I want right now...I don't THINK I want a gf right now...all I want is a friend that I can kiss and hug regularly and make out with and all the fun stuff but I don't want to have any attachment to them...I want to be able to go kiss another girl if she should come up and not have it hurt my relationship with that friend...but I only know one friend that would even consider such an agreement and I doubt that she would have me...

On top of my earthshattering weirdness that has caused me to be on edge for weeks...I have friends with problems that I want to help with...Thats been bugging me almost as much as everything else(put together possibly?) I feel really selfish talking about my problems when they feel so minor to some of the problems that I KNOW my friends have...but some of them just don't want to talk about it(consult my links to friends blogs to see just how screwed up all of us are) I think it's time for a movie quote...
"I followed all the rules...Mans and Gods...but you...you followed none of them and they loved you for it..."
you get a cookie if you can name that movie...but that quote seems to kinda reflect how I'm feeling about my group compared to the rest of the world...we are the best kind of teenagers...all of my closest friends don't drink, smoke, or have sex...we don't break laws and even though most of us have shells that would suggest otherwise...we are all pretty much good people...but we get hurt for it...the things that are left to chance are always pinned against us...the things that have even the smallest possibility of going wrong will go wrong...we are hurt for being good...does anybody have a crime that all of us are guilty of that would damn us like this?...The people that do bad things and intentionally hurt one another are the ones that seem happiest...they can go out with friends and not worry about one of them dying soon or when they are alone...they dont have the urge to grab the weapon that is within arms reach and end it all...not a single one of them has felt this pain because they are numb to it...their drugs and alcohol and temporary pleasures have made them numb to REAL feeling and because of that...they don't get hurt
Anyone that knows alot about my past knows that I used to be very different then I am now...I used to be one of those people that was numb...but I saw the truth and I saw how fake my world was...I wanted to feel what the real world was like...and reality hurts...all feelings have given to me is the same thing that my false world gave to me...a temporary happiness...but in the fake world there was never a time to wake up from the dream and be hurt...there was never a pain that couldn't be drowned out...but now I'm on the outside of that world and I'm looking in at it trying to find a way back...and ya know what?

...Theres no way out...

URG!!!...It feels like it's been forever and a half ago since I blogged last...I can't even beging to think of everything that has happened recently but I'll try



...lets start with the small stuff...School is kicking my ass again and I'm seeing myself as a C student this semester *whimpers* thats definitly a different feel for me...I wasn't expecting my first astronomy test to have calculus(sp) on it...and my World Civ teacher thinks I'm lazy because I type my hw up and use a small font so it looks like half of what it really is and every time he walks by and checks the hw hes like "your grade is a ship...and that ship is sinking." I wanna beat the shit out of the prick everytime he says that or just shout at him about everything being right there on the paper...I actually had a surplus of info!...grr...thats enough on that topic



This paragraph isn't really a problem its more like a solution (PPPPOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTIIIIOOOOOOONNNNN)...I just wanted to thank my friends real quick because you guys are the only reasons I can make it through each day...so thanx *hugs for everyone*



...Next thing on the list(and pretty much the biggest and scariest) is my relationship with Katie...She wanted to break up with me a couple days ago...and I picked up on the thousands of clues she dropped for me so I knew it was coming...This week was actually going to be the week I was supposed to dump her so when i found out that she felt the same way I was almost happy that this could be a mutual thing...but yesterday she didn't...I tried to bring it up as best I could but she said she didn't want to "tell me what she wanted to tell me" anymore...it scared the hell out of me and it still is...I feel like a jerk too...I promised her an undying love and it boiled down to just more teenage hormones?...I feel like I lied to her and I deserve to be hurt by this breakup...but I'm still torn by it...on the one side I am single(which is always fun but I have a tendency to ruin with relationships I shouldn't get it) but on the other side...I'm really going to miss being able to hug Katie and have all my problems melt away in the mix of her smell and touch. I spent most of last night in my room...my REAL room...the one thats upstairs and unfinished...all it is is walls, a ceiling and floor...the electric hasn't been hooked up there yet so I brought a flashlight and say in a corner of the room...I sat there and recapped everything I've done in the past eight months...and I tried to find where things went wrong...but I'm new to feelings and I don't understand why anyone would want them right now...logically I should know that I'll be better off when this is over...but I keep wanting to cry...and I can't cry anymore*sigh* I really am pathetic huh?...I have more "dating" experience than any of my friends...but I've never actually cared about anyones feelings before...I really wish I hadn't promised a special person that I wouldn't use pills to help me sleep i'm going to be at a major loss soon...but i'll get over it...At the end of the school day I usually walk katie to her bus...I did that but we were silent for most of the walk...it was one of the most awkward times of our relationship...its impossible to ignore anymore.... that...it is...over...and Katie said that she wasn't sure if she wanted ot break up with me anymore...I'm going to help her with that choice tomorrow...